The Tenderness of Time


Last month marked 4 years since I was completely undone. The day my feet landed back on Aussie soil after time abroad, knowing in my mind, feeling in my body and my heart that I would never be the same again. I remember the feeling being somewhat like being held under water fighting for breath simultaneously feeling empty for so long that everything was numb. There was no colour, no brightness or vitality. Simply a soul who could feel nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I still vision seeing my parents and little brothers faces as I walked out into the airport terminal, the joy and happiness resulting in tears and massive hugs that felt like they penetrated all the way into the deepest parts of my heart. There really is no place like home, or the people that feel like home or the feeling of being at home within yourself. Allow me to create a vision in your minds eye and some context of that time.

During my return home after what was meant to be the best most life changing experience of my life, I could not comprehend why I felt nothing and why my life had taken this path. I had to fly home because I was to fatigued to work anymore, my relationship ended a few days after I flew home and I had no idea what to do other than to sit with myself. Life changing moments that’s for sure. Everything I thought I was I now couldn’t do and nothing made sense anymore. My identity was completely gone.

I remember for the first few weeks just sitting on the back patio watching the clouds and blue sky, it was like I was witnessing it for the first time through the eyes of a child. Since then I am absolutely obsessed with clouds. During my time living in London I had 2 days that it didn’t rain or there wasn’t a grey sky. Now that’s what I call lifeless. I felt like day by day the environment was like a vampire sucking the life force out of my body, no matter what I tried nothing seemed to bring my vitality. I meditated, practiced yoga and was working in a holistic salon and health and nutrition store, was dating a guy who adored me and yet life seemed very grey.

I had always been full of so much life and happiness. Then everything spiralled, my closest mates all stepped away, and I was left with my family who had never seen me so sad, angry and lifeless feeling utterly helpless. I was left alone with myself, to listen, slow down and heal day by day, moment by moment. I did not know what that was going to look like or how long it was going to take, I just knew it was what I had to do.

I went to healers, natural therapists and doctors. I took supplements, used essential oils and natural remedies. I meditated, practiced qi gong and restorative yoga. I practiced ritual, prayer and devotion. I pulled cards, collected crystals and affirmations. I slowly built up my business again. I allowed my body to rest. I allowed my soul to be still. And I allowed my heart to completely break. ALL AT ONCE. For over two whole years I isolated myself, spent most of my time on my own and tenderly restored my life force. Slowly but gently I was getting back to what felt like my normal self, yet I was not the same person anymore, I was never going to be.

Everything you perceive to be normal for you is thrown under the bus when you can’t do it anymore. I was back in my home town and couldn’t work my business which had always thrived in full capacity, couldn’t play sport and going out was super intense let alone when no one wanted your company.  Everyone had only ever seen me in joy and light not darkness and pain so it was confronting for many to hold me in this part of my life. It was the most isolated, outcast, undervalued and worthless I had ever felt. Funny how all your wounds come up to be dealt with and heal when you are most vulnerable.

Chronic/Adrenal Fatigue taught me that the body is a vessel that is to be honoured, listened too and nurtured. You know that feeling of no matter how much you sleep you wake up more tired than when you went to bed? That was me. That’s your souls way of saying stop, slow down, tune in and listen.
That it is constantly giving us subtle signs of what is working and what isn’t in our life. It tells us this through pain, dis-ease and subtle signs always, in all ways. We just need to sit in enough stillness to listen to what it has to say. That slowing down does not mean lazy or that things won’t get done, it just means there may be another path, another way. if only you slow down long enough to honour what it has to say. It taught me to deeply and completely celebrate every aspect of my being.

Depression taught me that supressing your emotions is toxic and deeply dysfunctional to the body and soul. You know that feeling of no matter how much you try to be happy for what you have, grateful for what is in your life it still doesn’t feel like enough? That was me. That’s your souls way of saying there are chemical imbalances in your body, you need to listen in and choose a new path, make new choices and find your fire.  

All emotions reside in the body if they are not dealt with and that an accumulation of a particular emotion can cause minor and major health problems. Emotions are like waves, they flow in and flow out. All emotions are valid, whether perceived negative or harder to move through or the joyful ones that you want to last forever. We are meant to feel it all, and emotional resilience is absolute key to navigating that. I believe emotional intelligence is a key factor missing in our society.

Every single life experience shapes us, moulds us and creates us into the human we are today. We can let situations define us and have power over us or we can rise to meet them with grace and tenderness for ourselves and others. I burnt out at 23 years old, felt like I had failed why I moved to London in the first place, moved back to my hometown and could not do anything I had done previously that had made me who I was. I went from a social, outgoing, highly active, business owner who felt like she had energy to burn and full of life. To someone who was so sensitive I could barely be around people, overwhelmed easily, moving through constant layers of pain and heartache leaving my body and that I couldn’t run my business like I had previously let alone play sport. And well now, I wouldn’t change any of it EVER.

Time and a lot of tenderness can give you a lot of perspective in life as the past 4 years and in particular the past 2 years have been nothing but transformational. Not all butterflies and rainbows I assure you, just equipped with the knowledge and tools to navigate it more effectively and compassionately. I started sharing a lot more of my journey to support other people who may be feeling the same. I dived deeper into personal development and educating myself on the mind body connection, I sat at the seat of my soul. I continue learning about how to create emotional awareness and communicate that in a compassionate way. Coming from a sensitive soul, who feels others pain and joy I tell you what, emotional awareness has been one of the greatest gifts I have ever received and taught myself. The word empathy is thrown around a lot these days but I assure you it is real, it is a blessing and one of the most powerful connecting tools when you allow yourself to work with it.

I now have a business based on the key life lessons I learnt to this point, and I am only getting started. Not from a space of victim, poor me or this is what happened to me but from a space of personal power, deep self respect and devotion to honouring what my body, heart and soul is whispering to me. In a society of chaos and “busy” it is so important to know what you value, who you are and believe in yourself. Life always gives us the subtle ways to learn and grow if we are willing to receive it. What we don’t learn, we continue to repeat the cycle or pattern.

Tenderness to yourself can go a long way no matter what you go through, so this is your friendly reminder that time may not heal everything but time can definitely give you space to be more tender with your heart, how you feel and your emotions. If there is one gift you can give yourself today, it is this.
Give yourself permission to be exactly where you are. Give yourself permission to feel exactly how you feel. 
Give yourself space to honour all you have been through and all you are becoming in the process, in the ever changing light, dark, messiness, curiosity and joy of life. That’s the whole point, to embody it all. Each day spend time musing with your inner whispers and sit ever so gracefully at the seat of your soul. Just remember to be tender to that beautiful heart of yours along the way.

Stay tender.

Jessica


 

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